I was truly present in every service though not because I sought God’s presence. I lifted my voice in worship because I needed to prove I knew the lyrics, my hands were lifted in praise because only then would those around me notice me praising. Ever so frequently, I’d break out into my best dance steps, because they were a talent I knew I could show off.
Memorizing multiple verses became a hobby, cause then many would applaud my bright memory. I cried every time I prayed because I knew those around me would believe the sincerity of my prayers or at least I would trick myself into believing I was in communion. Studying the word of God always with an agenda – desiring to prove how much of it I had knowledge of.
What a wealth of poverty I had acquired!!!!
Then I found how empty my wealth was, how vain and shallow my faith had become. And my depths, they screamed out for a filling. So I cried out to Abba saying I wanted to see His face, to touch His grace. Yet there I was, in my rude awakening, still fast asleep.
I sought Him, thinking I was after His heart, not realizing how firmly I was holding on to His hand in search of what I could get. I did not want to see Him because I loved Him, but because I knew the emptiness of His absence. I called out to Him, not because I yearned to hear His voice, but because I craved the validation and satisfaction it would bring.
He did speak, yet did I feel empty. I was in search of words He knew I wasn’t ready to hear, words He knew I would make an idol. His hands did in fact release the proceeds of His storehouse, yet was I not satisfied because although He gave me what I needed, I mourned the absence of the things I wanted.
What a wealth of poverty I was consumed with!
Then He showed me the error of my ways, stripped me of the wealth wherein I had placed my pride.
Was I broken? Most definitely!
Did it hurt? Excruciatingly!
He revealed to me the depth of my poverty, the lack I had pursued and it repulsed me, the person I had become.
Did He then turn me away from who I had become? No!
He sat me face to face with Her, as a man with his reflection in water.
Then He filled my heart with compassion for the hurting Child, grace for the little girl who wanted to love Him and didn’t know how to, who had desired Him without knowledge and so had settled for emptiness.
And His love did flood my heart with a deeper passion for His Word. His word shone a light in the darkness of my heart, exposing the insecurities, little foxes I had treasured up.
He began to refine, purge and prune me from my depths and then not only did I receive an answered prayer, I encountered a Father, a Friend, a Teacher, a Helper.
Does this mean I no longer acquire a wealth of poverty?
Not at all, in my flesh, time after time, I still do. But now in Him, I have become a full partaker of the RICHES OF HIS GLORY.
Hence, though I am poor in self, I abound in Him. I do not lack anything for I am WELL PROVIDED.
